Oh dear. So where do I start?... Essay incoming!
On Wednesday I decided to go out. I thought what can be the harm in it? Having a few drinks, being a little social, cheer myself up (if you hadn't caught the subtle undertones, I've been a little down as of late.) and maybe stop being a dick about things.... Well it didn't quite work like that, I got uber drunk and threw up alot all night. I upset a few people and I was generally an arse.
This leads me to the surprising (sarcasm....) decision to stop drinking. I know what your thinking, man gets bad hang over, quits drinking, starts again next week. No. Fuck that. I didn't want to drink much anymore (as I'm sure I've mentioned in this blog...) and was going to save it for the odd night of celebration and special occasions. No. Not anymore, not happening. I've become a bit of a mess when I drink and as such, no longer wish to drink anymore.
Weirdly, my Thursday morning hang over was quite an epiphany moment. I've actually become a person I don't like and needed to take time to assess how I could get away from this. And it's simple. I need to start simply taking pleasure in things again.
I've started to worry about things outside of my control and that's annoying... I'm not a control freak but I've started to fear the unknown things in my life. Like some kind of Daily Mail reader I've actually started to fear the outside world, that I could get into a fight, that I could be killed and that those around me could suffer the same fate, and it's surely not healthy. I've always over thought things, so much so that some nights I don't sleep because of stressing over the finest details, but I just can't do it anymore, paying these things this amount of time is killing me.
I'm watching increasing amounts of films, playing millions of games and even reading to escape the prospect of doing work or other things. The weird thing is though I guess it is escapism, it's not even why I'm annoyed at myself for it. I have started to confuse the process of watching movies and playing games with being creative. I've looked to these films and games for stories and visual works sure, but (as Kevin Smith Put it) I'm letting people dream for me!
While I'm not completely riding them out of my life (as if I could lol...) I've decided that this time should and is going to be spent bettering myself, through not only designing stuff / learning coding etc. but by living. I may need to balance my commitments but I want too see new things (Norway kthnx.) and just live I guess... I want to enjoy each day within reason and not put myself into a pre-conceived box of what I am, what I should do and how this reflects on my relationships with other people.
In short, this week is going to be fun. I'm going to make a time table, that balances Uni, with the love of my life and with personal exploration in design / pissing about on the xbox. I also want to start writing again, I miss telling stories :)
M x
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